“A year ago, the Ultimate Evil Alien began its invasion of Earth. Every hero in the world united to drive its dark forces back into space. To vanquish this evil once and for all, Earth’s mighty heroes traveled to the alien’s home planet, ten thousand light-years away…”
“The greatest heroes in the world made the journey. Well, most of them. They had to leave someone to take care of things in their absence. And that’s me. Dinosaur Tretonkavitch. The Human Battering Ram. The guy so badass they left the entire world in his hands! The guy who—”
Dinosaur’s helicopter pilot interrupts the rant. “Could you turn off your mic when you’re doing this, Tretonkavitch? We don’t need a reductive, self-serving history of the world every time you go out on a mission!”
Dinosaur Tretonkavitch hangs out of a T.H.S.P.H.A. helicopter’s open doorway, grinning. His ill-fitting, rubber-coated, hex-weave suit flaps in the wind as he surveys Detroit’s nighttime skyline.
This brontosaurus-branded, orange and white hero brims with unearned confidence.
As he speaks, Dinosaur gesticulates passionately and briefly loses his balance. “I’m psyching myself up! The Ultimate Strikeforce are days from their triumphant return, and I need to be on my A-game!”
“This is a routine call!” The pilot reminds his passenger, but Dinosaur shakes his head.
“No call is routine! Anything can happen when you’re the greatest hero in the world!” Dinosaur strikes a heroic pose and flexes his biceps. Lifting his arm to flex untucks Dinosaur’s shirt and exposes his pale round gut. The wind sends the shirt up over his face.
“Lord help me… we’re over the drop point now,” the helicopter pilot says. “Please use a parachute this time, we don’t want a repeat of—”
As Dinosaur wrestles his white hex-weave shirt back into the orange briefs worn over his pants, he interrupts the pilot. “I don’t need a parachute! The Dinosaur has flown the coop!”
The excitable hero leaps from the helicopter to dive for the ground. Dinosaur’s cheeks ripple in the wind, his eyes stream tears, and his arms flap uselessly behind him. Not a single strand of hair escapes the thick coating of gel on his massive pompadour.
The pilot berates Dinosaur over the radio. “We know you don’t need the parachute, you idiot! We’re worried about other people! And buildings! And the ground! You—”
* * *
Far below, a shadowy figure steps onto the sidewalk through a shattered glass door.
Bathed in the flickering red and blue light of a Bank of Vespucci™sign overhead, the villainous Shadow Lightning holds a duffel bag filled with stolen cash in one hand and a ball of crackling black lightning in the other.
Shadow Lightning evaluates the busy street. No one notices his theft; the passing pedestrians don’t seem to care. They continue past as though nothing’s amiss, although his elaborate, homemade ‘stealth suit’ doesattract some judgmental glances.
Beneath his custom cowl, disappointment clouds Shadow Lightning’s face. He hoped his debut as a super-villain would be more eventful, but deep down, Shadow Lightning knew a villainous attack as mundane as a bank robbery would fail to make an impression.
Shadow Lightning examines the ball of black lightning in his hand. It crackles and sparks as tendrils of anti-power connect with his fingers. He remembers getting his powers, how his brother broke that Dr. Zappy’s plasma ball toy over his head. The electricity changed him. He wanted to be a hero, but for a power so weak, his father wouldn’t pay for the training. With a clench of his fist, Shadow Lightning resolves to show the world his true strength.
He promises himself that, after paying his mother’s medical bills, he’s going to put the rest of this money towards his new dream: becoming a super-villain! A real villain. A villain that nobody will dare to push past on the street. A villain that doesn’t have to worry about his bills; or working two simultaneous call-center jobs; or getting fired for using the company computer to commit credit card fraud twice. Soon, Shadow Lightning will have the respect he’s always craved.
Shadow Lightning grins as a voice from a radio overhead grows louder.
“—can stop using a parachute when you learn how to land!”
Dinosaur Tretonkavitch crashes into Shadow Lightning from above and obliterates the villain in a shower of gore and money.
Coated in blood, the passersby suddenly panic. Pedestrians scream and flee from the carnage as Dinosaur stands, triumphant, and shouts, “Mission accomplished! Tell the boys in blue this guy won’t be robbing any more banks!”
Sirens approach. Dinosaur grimaces as he struggles to fling bloody, dangling viscera from his fingers.
SubSuper 